I found some old prose today…

“I burnt some of my dreams today – the pursuit of knowledge that I had loved, and I tried to let go.  I saw the sorrow of holding onto things.  A wise woman once said “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang” and she was right – it was just a ‘thang’.

So I hide in old comfort music, like a large well-worn, well-loved jersey that always fits, regardless of how much weight I’ve put on or taken off.  And it feels like arms of love, that always fit.

A tear, an empty glass, a wet cheek, an old plan and it’s happy dreams that I thought would carry me through – all reduced to ash.

This is my wake to an old life, an old dream that won’t be realised, so I’m gonna grieve – and do it now.  I don’t want to hold on when letting go is what must be done. I have laughed – and I will laugh again. I just need to let go.

This is my wake – to celebrate the promise of a dream; never promised, simply an expectation unfulfilled.

And on some quiet level, deep down, deep deep below what I know, it’s actually OK because maybe there’s something else that awaits”

 

Thought for the day: 31 December 2017

I’ve been having a bit of a tidy – going through all my clothes and removing those that no longer create a spark of joy, and either throwing them away or putting in a bag for a local charity shop. It seems an appropriate time of year to be looking at what I own and weighing up – has this achieved it’s purpose? does it still create a spark of joy? Having almost finished going through my clothing, I’m planning to go through my make up and skincare, my books, CD’s and DVD’s. It seems like a good time to re-evaluate what I’m holding onto and why.

My aim for 2017 was embrace self love and self care – and I feel good about my achievements on that front. I think I have a greater sense of self acceptance and have learnt/am learning about forgiving myself and letting go of stuff I can’t change.

This quote describes my current space: an acknowledgement and acceptance of what I’m leaving behind in 2017; gratitude for the learnings along the way, gratitude for life’s gifts and an awareness of all I have to be thankful for. Along with anticipation for what 2018 has in store (regardless of the outcome); possibilities, opportunities; I have a sense of taking positive steps forward to proactively greet what’s waiting ahead.

Goodbye 2017. Thanks for what I’ve learnt.

Hello 2018 – bring it on!

Thought for the day: 16 May 2017

I love this! It seems to me that forgiveness is ALWAYS the right choice.

I’m not suggesting we forget necessarily but I am suggesting we forgive – for our own sake if not that of others. And I know I keep saying it – but if I want to be forgiven, I must learn to forgive. Like many things in life forgiveness is a two way street! And the bonus of forgiving another person – YOU get peace!

Unfortunately, sometimes forgiveness is not just a one-off choice but more of an ongoing process. If you’ve been really badly hurt, you might make the choice to forgive the person who has caused you so much pain. Then the next day you realise that you have to make the same decision to forgive them all over again. Just as loving someone is an ongoing choice, so too forgiveness can be an ongoing choice. And maybe all you can do is forgive what you can right now, knowing that you may have to choose to do it again in an hour’s time, or tomorrow, next week or next month.

If I fell and grazed my knee, my body doesn’t heal itself instantaneously (even if I want it to). It takes time for the white blood cells to form a seal over the injury in order to protect the body. And just as it takes time for a scab to form and for the physical injury to heal itself, so other types of hurt and pain can also take time to heal too. We don’t heal in an instant;  healing is on ongoing process. So too forgiveness can become an ongoing process. Not everything in life is “one and done” – you make a decision and suddenly you’re facing the consequences. Some decisions, like love and forgiveness, can be ongoing choices that we need to make over and over and over again. And all you can do (even in the midst of that pain) is to make the best decision you can at any given time. And that’s all any of us can do.  So don’t beat yourself up if you find you have to forgive the same person for the same thing more than once – because forgiveness, like love and healing, can take time.

I wish you peace.

Grip of the Grape – a poem

Wine-stained memories, shards of which –long since extinct;

Money, time and memory’s folly,

Splintered picture can never be restored,

Crumpled dreams – broken glass and rubble;

Life repaired but what is lost remains lost.

Glance into the future – an unwritten history of what might be,

The hourglass continues to run its course,

What is unseen, unknown, remains lost to us

Unless we make it so: Create and Live!

Or sit and sup and wait to die.

Expectations of prior generations already drowned,

Fewer possibilities survive, – like seeds

The chance of life if only one would take and plant them

And take the time to let them grow,

Before winter comes and we are lost,

Our lives reduced to endless snow.

Thought for the day: 11 March 2017

I guess it’s all about perspective. For every ending, there’s a new beginning.

The six month contract I started early May last year was supposed to run until late October, but was extended until late December and is now on a month by month basis. The government department I’m contracted to is upgrading a specific computer system and outsourcing several tasks that my colleague and I have been performing. Now I can see the progress being made in terms of the system upgrade, and the gradual transition of responsibilities to the new supplier. It’s been interesting to watch the initial steps of the project which were small and tentative, slowly growing into larger and more confident steps as the project progressed. I expect my role to change fairly significantly in the next four to six weeks as my part of the project begins winding down, and I’m happy about that.

As I prepare the face my exit from this role, I believe that every exit really is an entrance to somewhere else – and it will be interesting to see what’s next. And I’m looking forward to the completion of this step, and to whatever the next step will be. The way I see it, a door (or gate) has two sides: from one side it’s an exit, from the other side it’s an entrance. So once again, it’s all about perspective and how I choose to look at this. Here’s to an enjoyable exit, and the opportunities and possibilities a new entrance may bring!

 

Thought for the day: perfection

Ok, I screwed up. I take full responsibility. I made some unwise decisions. I went out with a group of girlfriends and let myself get drunk, and not just drunk – I got totally written off. “One step away from being legless” I was told. I’m supposed to be an adult, old enough to know better, etc, etc.  I woke the next morning feeling embarrassed and ashamed. This explains yesterday’s poem ‘Legless’.

Hindsight is a wonderful teacher. I’ve felt my own emotional pain. I’ve acknowledged my error. So in order to move on from here, I need to forgive myself and then shut the door to that memory – not revisit it every five minutes or every half hour. I need to close the door and walk away and leave it there. That doesn’t mean I forget, but simply that choose not to revisit the memory and the associated negative feelings. To forgive myself and move on.

This morning I found this quote. It sums up how I want to feel. I’m not there yet but I’m working towards it. I’d like to be a friend, to comfort, care and maybe even inspire others – so this quote is for me. It’s fits me, right here where I stand today.

And I will move on. And I will close that door and walk away. And I will hope that my behaviour, how I deal with my imperfections can still be an inspiration to others.

Feeling humble, honest and imperfect.