I’m holding on to this today. The last few days have been challenging but I’m learning about pushing through regardless of how I feel.
And today is a new day. Yesterday has been and will not come again. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow will be. Today is all I really have. And it will come with opportunities and challenges that I may not be able to control. But I CAN control my attitude. And I choose to step forward in faith, with hope and joy. And my aim is to choose kindness, to be gracious and compassionate.
And if I get to the end of today and I have not been as kind or gracious, as caring and compassionate as I had hoped, I will accept that I am flawed and not perfect; I am human, and I will treat myself with self-compassion and acceptance, and know that I did what I could with what I had at the time. And that’s all I can ask of myself.
And right now I loo to today and anticipate the new beginning with a renewed sense of hope. A new beginning, a new blessing, new hope.
This describes where I’m at today. I’m struggling just to keep it together. I’m struggling period – to be honest. I struggle with this time of year – with my own thoughts and feelings and expectations and disappointments. I struggle with guilt – there are so many things one can feel guilty for – and I do.
I feel vulnerable, fragile, weepy, confused, guilty, ashamed, sad, and the list goes on.
But I know that in every situation, there are things to be grateful for.
And I am.
My husband is a blessing, a friend, a rock. My dog is a constant companion. I have time to paint if I choose to; I have time to read or sleep or walk…
I choose courage. I choose to fight to keep going. I’m choosing to fight to stay on top. I’m choosing to feel the feelings, to let myself cry or not cry, to just take time to be. I’m choosing to approach this with honesty – these are my issues, this is my stuff. And while it is what it is – I can choose to accept the feelings that come along or I can determine to fight, to see this through, to be honest and authentic and real about where I’m at and how I’m feeling.
And maybe that’s enough for now.
I’m sure some of you must get bored hearing the same sort of messages over and over but I seem to need to be reminded over and over: a) not to judge others, and b) everyone has their own issues – my issues are my issues, you have your own issues which I know nothing about, but everyone has stuff going on in their lives – their own issues, battles, joys and pain… and we all need a bit of space from time to time, a little compassion now and then, a degree of kindness and friendship and respect. So this is yet another reminder to myself – to go easy on others, just as I would like to think others will go easy on me.
“A little more kindness, a little less judgement”
Remember: a little kindness can go a long way…
Ok, I screwed up. I take full responsibility. I made some unwise decisions. I went out with a group of girlfriends and let myself get drunk, and not just drunk – I got totally written off. “One step away from being legless” I was told. I’m supposed to be an adult, old enough to know better, etc, etc. I woke the next morning feeling embarrassed and ashamed. This explains yesterday’s poem ‘Legless’.
Hindsight is a wonderful teacher. I’ve felt my own emotional pain. I’ve acknowledged my error. So in order to move on from here, I need to forgive myself and then shut the door to that memory – not revisit it every five minutes or every half hour. I need to close the door and walk away and leave it there. That doesn’t mean I forget, but simply that choose not to revisit the memory and the associated negative feelings. To forgive myself and move on.
This morning I found this quote. It sums up how I want to feel. I’m not there yet but I’m working towards it. I’d like to be a friend, to comfort, care and maybe even inspire others – so this quote is for me. It’s fits me, right here where I stand today.
And I will move on. And I will close that door and walk away. And I will hope that my behaviour, how I deal with my imperfections can still be an inspiration to others.
Feeling humble, honest and imperfect.