I care

These past couple of weeks I’ve been working through some stuff. I discovered that a friend had died last year; then I discovered that he’d committed suicide; then my husband’s brother’s best friend died last weekend (had a heart condition and didn’t wake up); was talking to a friend at work and she was telling me about 2 friends of hers, brothers of 17 and 19 that were in hospital after a car accident (they’d hit a tree) so I thought speed was involved and wondered if alcohol and/or drugs had also had an impact – well speed was certainly a factor it turned out. She told me this on Tuesday morning – both brothers in critical condition with the elder brother (the driver) not expected to live. That night he died – she came to work the next day and was a mess. She’s only 19 herself and I guess this is the first friend of her age who’s died. She went home and cried for several days. On Thursday evening I caught up with an old friend, we’d been drinking buddies from way back, and he shared with me about how tough this year has been for him. He lives on his own in a neighbourhood where I also lived alone (before I met my husband) and we are pretty honest with each other. He was telling me about how depressed he’s been this year, about a boss who bullied him, about drinking most nights, not looking after himself, not taking his drugs, not doing any housework…

And I’ve been thinking  – Graham died and I didn’t know. Phil is depressed and I DO know. I could help – or at least provide a helping hand. And if that means he has less reason or inclination to commit suicide, then it’s worth the effort.

For the past 4 – 5 months my house has not been really clean. I started the gardening business and was too tired to clean after I’d gardened (or – I didn’t care enough to do housework when I got home after gardening) – so my husband did the washing and tidied the kitchen most days. I haven’t done much in the way of housework for months.

Mid June my doctor said said he thought I might have had a TIA (mini-stroke) and initiated some tests at our local hospital and advised me I wasn’t to drive for the next 30 days. Thus postponing may gardening (that I drove to) and imposing a 4 week rest period. All in all not a bad thing as I had already decided I had been working too hard. I took a break from gardening – which was good for my body. Being a girl who likes to achieve things, I started making cot quilts instead (which I do during the winter sometimes) and managed to make about 6 cot quilts that I am planning to give away to needy families (through Women’s Refuge or church groups or similar – as long as they are not sold, and end up with families in need).

Now here I am, feeling like I really should return to gardening – and thinking about the deaths of people I know, thinking about suicide and my own encounters in the past – and not wanting anyone I know to have to experience the same despair and horrible  desperation that I’ve felt in the past…

This morning I started cleaning my home – just a few rooms – the bathroom, toilet and my bedroom – a mini-spring clean. It was a start. It was an effort that I hadn’t made for a long time but it was enough. A step in the right direction.

And I’ve been thinking about my friend Phil’s house – about offering to help him make things clean and tidy again. I know what it’s like to live on your own, to feel depressed, to feel like you don’t really matter in many people’s lives, to use alcohol as a way of numbing the pain… and I want to help him because it’s a little something that I can do for someone that’s not me. It’s a way to provide support and encouragement to someone else, a way of giving to another, of supporting another, of being their for someone else.

And (as I stated earlier) if this means Phil has less inclination to end his life, or has more motivation to … do anything (cook, clean, garden – anything) then maybe that’s worth it.

I want to believe I had an opportunity and I took it – for all the right reasons – regardless of the outcome. I tried. I cared. I did something….

Then maybe that’s enough.

I’m not responsible for Phil’s decisions, his choices, his outlook – but if I can be a friend in the best way I know how, then maybe that’s enough.

And if it’s not enough, then I will know that I tried.  I did something.  I tried to make his life just that little bit easier when he was depressed and not motivated because I’ve known that depression and lack of motivation.

I want to know that I tried. If nothing else, I tried. I tried to be the friend that he needed me to be; the friend that listened and didn’t judge; the friend that was there and tried to make life just a little easier. The friend that cared enough to do something… because if nothing else, she cared.

 

 

Advertisements

For Graham

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know you well.

But maybe next time I will make that effort.

Except I didn’t know.

I’m not good at people stuff, or rather I’m not always sure where to draw the line and then I realise I’ve let the colours become blurred and I don’t know how to get them back.

I didn’t know that we shared the same disease; the same dis-ease;  the same sorrow; the same anguish; the same anything.

I keep thinking about you and wishing I’d reached out

Before you were more than a memory

Perspective and Hope – a few thoughts

Everything we hear...

I’ve been thinking about perspective. Sometimes I find my perspective becomes my sense of truth,  and I forget that what I’m seeing is simply that: my perspective. If I can take a step back, a step away from the situation, just a little distance, then I can get a different perspective. But stepping away can be a big ask when you are depressed or anxious or fearful and my world (the way I’m seeing it right now) seems to be so real.

When I’m depressed, I’ve learnt that a different perspective is often all I need to be able to view my world differently. Sometimes a friend (or even someone who is not a friend) can help me get a glimpse of a different view. More often than not, just a little time out helps – like going and having a nap (or having a bath, or watching a movie or listening to some music) – and when I wake up/re-emerge, the world has changed a little – even if only a few degrees, and that’s sometimes enough to give me a different perspective on the world; a different perspective on my world.

That’s one of the insidious things about depression (and other forms of mental unhealth) – it fools us into thinking how I feel right now, that’s how life really is – when actually, it’s just my current perspective. The lie is ‘this is it and this is all life will ever be’ and it’s such a lie – but we can’t see that at the time, so we believe it. And that’s why we need a little alternative perspective – so that we remember that ‘these are just my feelings’ – nothing more, nothing less. These feelings might feel like my current truth, but they are just feelings and they come and go. How I feel tomorrow will not be exactly the same way I feel today. And deep down I still believe in HOPE. I wrote a poem earlier today about life without hope because I remember what that feels like. But this is my reminder that life, my life, my world, how I see the world – it’s just my perspective, it’s not my truth.

And actually I do believe in hope. I believe there is always hope – it may be hiding somewhere and may take some effort to find, but hope is there if we will search for it and take find it and take hold of it.

My encouragement to you, if you are struggling, is to remember that THERE IS HOPE. And that if the world looks bleak, take a moment, take some time out, so that you too can find a new perspective, a new way of looking at the world.

And if you take some time out and you still struggle with your view of the world, try making a list of all the things that you are grateful for, the people in your life, the experiences you’ve had, the things you’ve done that you have enjoyed and/or are grateful for. That can be a good place to start. Make that list and hold on to it, and let that list provide some hope – some sense of what there is to be thankful for, and what you might want to build on in the future.  And tomorrow, add to that list anything you can think of that brings you joy (a quiet walk in the forest, the feel of the wind on your face, having a bath surrounded by candle-light, the smell of vanilla or lavender, the taste of … you get the picture). Having a list of things you are grateful for and/or enjoy can give you something to hang onto when life seems bleak. There can be better days. And we can go on to enjoy new experiences.

Sometimes we just need a little perspective.

The real voyage of discovery

Life Without Hope – a poem

Its a game and I’m losing

A swimming pool and I’m drowning

It’s a wood fire and I’m burning

The end’s coming around soon

 

It’s ice and I’m skating

From on high and I’m falling

A volcano and I’m erupting

Almost time to fade away

 

A butterfly whose hours are numbered

A fledgling about to be attacked

A fish about to swim into a net

The game is almost over

 

Just a dusty piece of string

It could have meant anything

Just swaying in a gentle breeze

It was supposed to mean something

 

So you light the piece of string

At once ablaze, simply burning

I wasn’t made to be that way

But I succumbed and here I lay

 

It’s a game and I am losing

A pile of leaves and I am burning

And when the embers are cold and black

The remains will scatter with the wind

 

What chaos brought me here?

Divine plan and haunted history

A few friends, a few smiles and tears

And what will be left when I am gone?

No legacy to call my own.