Altered Perspective

This is the preparation for change – cold, uncomfortable, isolated, unknown.  Grief, fear and self-doubt – they are neighbours, watching,  but I’m not letting them in today.  Today I take steps that are walking towards tomorrow and I choose not to turn around and look back. Instead, with gratitude in hand, I push forward. With hope in my heart and compassion for what was. Hope for what might be. Humility and acceptance replacing of my old friends guilt and shame. Today’s small step. Hope for a brighter tomorrow.

I thought this was preparation for change – but I was wrong – it IS change. It’s already here. Change is today. Using what I have, which is ‘now’.


I found some old prose today…

“I burnt some of my dreams today – the pursuit of knowledge that I had loved, and I tried to let go.  I saw the sorrow of holding onto things.  A wise woman once said “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang” and she was right – it was just a ‘thang’.

So I hide in old comfort music, like a large well-worn, well-loved jersey that always fits, regardless of how much weight I’ve put on or taken off.  And it feels like arms of love, that always fit.

A tear, an empty glass, a wet cheek, an old plan and it’s happy dreams that I thought would carry me through – all reduced to ash.

This is my wake to an old life, an old dream that won’t be realised, so I’m gonna grieve – and do it now.  I don’t want to hold on when letting go is what must be done. I have laughed – and I will laugh again. I just need to let go.

This is my wake – to celebrate the promise of a dream; never promised, simply an expectation unfulfilled.

And on some quiet level, deep down, deep deep below what I know, it’s actually OK because maybe there’s something else that awaits”


Thought for the day: 10 December 2018

Every morning brings... 2

I’m holding on to this today. The last few days have been challenging but I’m learning about pushing through regardless of how I feel.

And today is a new day. Yesterday has been and will not come again. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow will be. Today is all I really have. And it will come with opportunities and challenges that I may not be able to control. But I CAN control my attitude. And I choose to step forward in faith, with hope and joy. And my aim is to choose kindness, to be gracious and compassionate.

And if I get to the end of today and I have not been as kind or gracious, as caring and compassionate as I had hoped, I will accept that I am flawed and not perfect; I am human, and I will treat myself with self-compassion and acceptance, and know that I did what I could with what I had at the time. And that’s all I can ask of myself.

And right now I loo to today and anticipate the new beginning with a renewed sense of hope. A new beginning, a new blessing, new hope.

Thought for the day: 9 December 2018

Courage is not the absence of fear3

I love this quote and I know it to be true.

When the dragon stands before you with glowing eyes, yellow teeth and saliva drooling from it’s mouth, sometimes the only option is to face the beast and take small steps forward with a look of confidence on your face even if you don’t feel it inside. And as you move towards it, there’s a point of no return where to keep walking is the only option (because the time to run away has passed) and as you do the dragon gets bigger until suddenly it begins to fade before you until all that remains is the illusion of its presence. It’s as if it appeared real and three dimensional, but was in fact a two dimensional hologram – and you overcame it because you had the courage and faith and belief to walk toward it. To move beyond fear.

Wishing you the courage you need today.


Current snapshot: a mental health ‘selfie’

It’s only a week before my Christmas holiday starts and I’m currently taking time out to chill because of my mental health issues (read as: crying at work). I’m a bit embarrassed by that but it is what it is. I started crying, thought I could get it under control & discovered I couldn’t and subsequently went home from work. That was early yesterday.

Since then I’ve played cards on my laptop mostly. I also watched a film and put dinner in the slow cooker, and made a dessert for last night’s dinner (unusual for me). Today: put some washing on the line, made a pie with leftover casserole from last night and played cards. It’s a beautiful day outside and I don’t feel like I’m making the most of it. Possibly because I’m not!

So right now, I’m choosing to write – to face some of my current stuff that I don’t really understand, in the hope that it will be clarifying to write. I often learn about my stuff when I write it down. Except I don’t write much these days but here I am feeling the need to at least look at the issues, if not address them.

I’ve realised that I seem to get into a space like this about this time of year – I get stressed, tired and irritated, don’t sleep well and am irritable. But it’s not like I have a lot to be stressed about – even if I minimise the stressors, I still seem to wind up here. I’m not depressed or anxious, or even worried (at present). There’s nothing happening that’s time critical – but I get stressed and/or emotionally fragile in the build up to Christmas.

Historically, Christmas has been one of those difficult times when I don’t see much of my own family but spend it with my husband’s family and his elderly father. I feel guilty about not spending time with my family and haven’t made a huge effort to work on my relationships with family members in the past few years – feel guilty about that, and yet I don’t want to spend time with my siblings because I fear being judged by them. I’m not sure if the fear is realistic, or just me being paranoid. So historically, it’s about guilt, shame and fear.

This year is a little different. I went to a family wedding in February, (which I was both looking forward to & dreading, due to my issues around family); got drunk, made a bit of a fool of myself and felt even more guilt and shame than usual. After much soul searching, I gave up alcohol a few weeks later, started participating in an online programme to look at alcohol: into the effects of alcohol on the body, why we drink etc – and really threw myself into trying to address some of my stuff (-predominantly the ‘why I drank’ stuff). I learnt about cognitive dissonance and how we sometimes have a desire to both do something and not do the same thing at the same time (for different reasons) and tried to identify and minimise some of the things I felt cognitive dissonance around.

I returned to a embrace a relationship with God, started going back to church after a number of years; looked at my health and how I could make positive choices about looking after my body in terms of food and exercise. I developed a sleep routine that meant I started to sleep better. I started to meditate and learnt about mindfulness, not buying into my thoughts, and realised I could simply observe my thoughts as they come and go without having to engage with them etc. I’ve learnt about taking time to paint, to garden, to enjoy listening to music, to enjoy simple pleasures. I’ve learnt about finding  rest. I’ve learnt a number of skills that I’ve come to really appreciate, and was proud of taking responsibility for my own stuff, for learning about myself and how I function, and what I can do to help myself as I navigate through this life. I also spent a little time with some family members and told them about my struggles and learnings this year, and was really delighted by their positive responses, support (and my sense of acceptance).

Fast forward to today, and I’m in this place I didn’t expect to be in – haven’t been eating so well, perhaps not looking after myself so well overall; not meditating or following the sleep programme…. and wondering why I feel like I do. Here’s that lightbulb moment: gosh, I haven’t been looking after myself, and maybe it’s time to do so!

Normally, I’d beat myself up a bit at this point. However, right now I see that this is just another day. I don’t have to see this space I’m in as a pattern or an ongoing cyclic event. Maybe it’s just a wake up call to get back to what works for me – looking after myself -making sensible food choices, sensible choices about sleep and how I use my time; looking after me in a way I haven’t really in the past few weeks (or more). Maybe this is just my wake up call to simply get back into taking care me, and of the child inside who needs to be loved and cared for, nurtured and cherished.

Perhaps it’s time for a cup of tea, and then maybe taking the dog for a walk in the sunshine… and taking time to just ‘be’. No expectations, just self care, self acceptance and self compassion. And time.