This describes where I’m at today. I’m struggling just to keep it together. I’m struggling period – to be honest. I struggle with this time of year – with my own thoughts and feelings and expectations and disappointments. I struggle with guilt – there are so many things one can feel guilty for – and I do.
I feel vulnerable, fragile, weepy, confused, guilty, ashamed, sad, and the list goes on.
But I know that in every situation, there are things to be grateful for.
And I am.
My husband is a blessing, a friend, a rock. My dog is a constant companion. I have time to paint if I choose to; I have time to read or sleep or walk…
I choose courage. I choose to fight to keep going. I’m choosing to fight to stay on top. I’m choosing to feel the feelings, to let myself cry or not cry, to just take time to be. I’m choosing to approach this with honesty – these are my issues, this is my stuff. And while it is what it is – I can choose to accept the feelings that come along or I can determine to fight, to see this through, to be honest and authentic and real about where I’m at and how I’m feeling.
And maybe that’s enough for now.
It’s a lovely quiet Boxing Day (26 December) here in Wellington, New Zealand. I took the dog over the back into the reserve behind our house and couldn’t resist taking a few photos. It’s so green, so peaceful and quiet – and I am grateful.
Yesterday was a really nice Christmas Day spent with my husband’s family several hours from here. It was a family celebration – relaxed and easy. The past few days had been hard for me so I wasn’t sure how Christmas Day would go – given I often get a bit ‘peopled out’ before the day is over, but it was really nice. Pete, my husband’s dad is 89, and I want to make the most of it and enjoy Christmas with him and his family as long as we can.
So after spending yesterday with family, today is all about taking the time to chill and relax and just be. Not entirely sure what I’ll do. My husband will likely spend the day watching the One Day International (cricket) between New Zealand and Bangladesh on TV. [Cricket and Boxing Day go hand in hand here, it’s a bit of a tradition]
In the meantime here are a few photos from (just beyond) my backyard.
Cease striving. That’s what I’m attempting to do at present. I haven’t been writing so much lately but I have been taking photos most days and am enjoying playing with my photos, altering the colours & exposure and adding effects and filters etc. I’m loving this creative medium. I’ve also been avidly hunting for appropriate inspirational sayings and quotes and have spent some time creating my own versions of said quotes such as the one above and the ones that I’ve used in the past month or two. I’ve really enjoyed the photography and creating my own take on these quotes by adding my own photos as the background. Consequently, I haven’t been walking so much or writing so much and life’s been busy and it’s the week before Christmas – and I’m ok with that. I feel like I’m being creative and attempting to maintain my blog’s inspirational theme without spending much time writing. Why am I justifying this to you? Good question. The answer is a matter of time – that is, not having enough but trying to make good use of what I do have.
I’m also working through a few issues which I feel like I’m making progress on but not wanting to specify yet. I’m keen to write about what I’m learning but I’d rather wait until I’m a little further down the track and have a better handle on what it is I’m learning rather than just the issues at hand. Does that make sense?
However I still want to feel like I’m moving forward with my blog (which has been so much more of an encouragement to me than I ever dreamed), plus being creative and exploring my own ‘stuff’ while still allowing myself time to chill and relax a little over the Christmas break. Suffice to say, I hope you’ll enjoy my creative efforts – even if they are somewhat minimal for the time being.
And hopefully I’m also learning about not striving simply to do my own thing but learning to enjoy the things that need to be done. And taking time just to be.