I found some old prose today…

“I burnt some of my dreams today – the pursuit of knowledge that I had loved, and I tried to let go.  I saw the sorrow of holding onto things.  A wise woman once said “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang” and she was right – it was just a ‘thang’.

So I hide in old comfort music, like a large well-worn, well-loved jersey that always fits, regardless of how much weight I’ve put on or taken off.  And it feels like arms of love, that always fit.

A tear, an empty glass, a wet cheek, an old plan and it’s happy dreams that I thought would carry me through – all reduced to ash.

This is my wake to an old life, an old dream that won’t be realised, so I’m gonna grieve – and do it now.  I don’t want to hold on when letting go is what must be done. I have laughed – and I will laugh again. I just need to let go.

This is my wake – to celebrate the promise of a dream; never promised, simply an expectation unfulfilled.

And on some quiet level, deep down, deep deep below what I know, it’s actually OK because maybe there’s something else that awaits”

 

Thought for the day: 10 December 2018

Every morning brings... 2

I’m holding on to this today. The last few days have been challenging but I’m learning about pushing through regardless of how I feel.

And today is a new day. Yesterday has been and will not come again. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow will be. Today is all I really have. And it will come with opportunities and challenges that I may not be able to control. But I CAN control my attitude. And I choose to step forward in faith, with hope and joy. And my aim is to choose kindness, to be gracious and compassionate.

And if I get to the end of today and I have not been as kind or gracious, as caring and compassionate as I had hoped, I will accept that I am flawed and not perfect; I am human, and I will treat myself with self-compassion and acceptance, and know that I did what I could with what I had at the time. And that’s all I can ask of myself.

And right now I loo to today and anticipate the new beginning with a renewed sense of hope. A new beginning, a new blessing, new hope.

Thought for the day: 9 December 2018

Courage is not the absence of fear3

I love this quote and I know it to be true.

When the dragon stands before you with glowing eyes, yellow teeth and saliva drooling from it’s mouth, sometimes the only option is to face the beast and take small steps forward with a look of confidence on your face even if you don’t feel it inside. And as you move towards it, there’s a point of no return where to keep walking is the only option (because the time to run away has passed) and as you do the dragon gets bigger until suddenly it begins to fade before you until all that remains is the illusion of its presence. It’s as if it appeared real and three dimensional, but was in fact a two dimensional hologram – and you overcame it because you had the courage and faith and belief to walk toward it. To move beyond fear.

Wishing you the courage you need today.

 

Thought for the day: 26 December 2017

We are captives of our own identities 2

I wonder how often this is true of me. How often do I live in a prison of my own creation. If that was true of last week, then today I have been set free! I confronted some expectations and found that they were simply that – my expectatons, rather than reality. And the reality I found was better than I had expected. My hidden hopes were exceeded.

For this, and many other blessings, I am truly grateful.

Thought for the day: 23 December 2017

There-are-hidden-blessings

This describes where I’m at today. I’m struggling just to keep it together. I’m struggling period – to be honest. I struggle with this time of year – with my own thoughts and feelings and expectations and disappointments. I struggle with guilt – there are so many things one can feel guilty for – and I do.

I feel vulnerable, fragile, weepy, confused, guilty, ashamed, sad, and the list goes on.

But I know that in every situation, there are things to be grateful for.
And I am.
My husband is a blessing, a friend, a rock. My dog is a constant companion. I have time to paint if I choose to; I have time to read or sleep or walk…

I choose courage. I choose to fight to keep going. I’m choosing to fight to stay on top. I’m choosing to feel the feelings, to let myself cry or not cry, to just take time to be. I’m choosing to approach this with honesty – these are my issues, this is my stuff. And while it is what it is – I can choose to accept the feelings that come along or I can determine to fight, to see this through, to be honest and authentic and real about where I’m at and how I’m feeling.

And maybe that’s enough for now.