I found some old prose today…

“I burnt some of my dreams today – the pursuit of knowledge that I had loved, and I tried to let go.  I saw the sorrow of holding onto things.  A wise woman once said “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang” and she was right – it was just a ‘thang’.

So I hide in old comfort music, like a large well-worn, well-loved jersey that always fits, regardless of how much weight I’ve put on or taken off.  And it feels like arms of love, that always fit.

A tear, an empty glass, a wet cheek, an old plan and it’s happy dreams that I thought would carry me through – all reduced to ash.

This is my wake to an old life, an old dream that won’t be realised, so I’m gonna grieve – and do it now.  I don’t want to hold on when letting go is what must be done. I have laughed – and I will laugh again. I just need to let go.

This is my wake – to celebrate the promise of a dream; never promised, simply an expectation unfulfilled.

And on some quiet level, deep down, deep deep below what I know, it’s actually OK because maybe there’s something else that awaits”

 

Thought for the day: 10 December 2018

Every morning brings... 2

I’m holding on to this today. The last few days have been challenging but I’m learning about pushing through regardless of how I feel.

And today is a new day. Yesterday has been and will not come again. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow will be. Today is all I really have. And it will come with opportunities and challenges that I may not be able to control. But I CAN control my attitude. And I choose to step forward in faith, with hope and joy. And my aim is to choose kindness, to be gracious and compassionate.

And if I get to the end of today and I have not been as kind or gracious, as caring and compassionate as I had hoped, I will accept that I am flawed and not perfect; I am human, and I will treat myself with self-compassion and acceptance, and know that I did what I could with what I had at the time. And that’s all I can ask of myself.

And right now I loo to today and anticipate the new beginning with a renewed sense of hope. A new beginning, a new blessing, new hope.

Thought for the day: 31 December 2017

I’ve been having a bit of a tidy – going through all my clothes and removing those that no longer create a spark of joy, and either throwing them away or putting in a bag for a local charity shop. It seems an appropriate time of year to be looking at what I own and weighing up – has this achieved it’s purpose? does it still create a spark of joy? Having almost finished going through my clothing, I’m planning to go through my make up and skincare, my books, CD’s and DVD’s. It seems like a good time to re-evaluate what I’m holding onto and why.

My aim for 2017 was embrace self love and self care – and I feel good about my achievements on that front. I think I have a greater sense of self acceptance and have learnt/am learning about forgiving myself and letting go of stuff I can’t change.

So I close-my-eyes-

This quote describes my current space: an acknowledgement and acceptance of what I’m leaving behind in 2017; gratitude for the learnings along the way, gratitude for life’s gifts and an awareness of all I have to be thankful for. Along with anticipation for what 2018 has in store (regardless of the outcome); possibilities, opportunities; I have a sense of taking positive steps forward to proactively greet what’s waiting ahead.

Goodbye 2017. Thanks for what I’ve learnt.

Hello 2018 – bring it on!

Thought for the day: 26 December 2017

We are captives of our own identities 2

I wonder how often this is true of me. How often do I live in a prison of my own creation. If that was true of last week, then today I have been set free! I confronted some expectations and found that they were simply that – my expectatons, rather than reality. And the reality I found was better than I had expected. My hidden hopes were exceeded.

For this, and many other blessings, I am truly grateful.

Thought for the day: 23 December 2017

There-are-hidden-blessings

This describes where I’m at today. I’m struggling just to keep it together. I’m struggling period – to be honest. I struggle with this time of year – with my own thoughts and feelings and expectations and disappointments. I struggle with guilt – there are so many things one can feel guilty for – and I do.

I feel vulnerable, fragile, weepy, confused, guilty, ashamed, sad, and the list goes on.

But I know that in every situation, there are things to be grateful for.
And I am.
My husband is a blessing, a friend, a rock. My dog is a constant companion. I have time to paint if I choose to; I have time to read or sleep or walk…

I choose courage. I choose to fight to keep going. I’m choosing to fight to stay on top. I’m choosing to feel the feelings, to let myself cry or not cry, to just take time to be. I’m choosing to approach this with honesty – these are my issues, this is my stuff. And while it is what it is – I can choose to accept the feelings that come along or I can determine to fight, to see this through, to be honest and authentic and real about where I’m at and how I’m feeling.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

Thought for the day: 8 November 2017

Be-vulnerable--be-co

Hi there. I think this quote says something about where I’m at at the moment. I want to courageous. I want to be positive. I’m good with being vulnerable. And I want to be comfortable with what is currently uncomfortable. I feel like I have a handle on ‘courageous’ and ‘vulnerable’ but finding comfort in the uncomfortable is more a of a challenge.

I have some thoughts about what is uncomfortable for me – and my aim is to get a bit ‘uncomfortable’ over the next few months. My hope is that the more often I’m uncomfortable, the more uncomfortable will become comfortable (- if that makes sense). I’m still processing exactly how that’s going to happen but have some positive ideas I’d like to try – and I’ll let you know how it goes. Suffice to say: I have something of a plan, and some ideas, and I’m aiming to try them out over the next few months. Here goes….

Wisdom to Live By: Part 5 – How I treat myself

be-kind

I grew up believing in caring and valuing others. It has only been in the last few years that I have entertained, let alone embraced the concept of caring for myself: of valuing myself, being kind to myself, treating myself with respect.
I can’t help thinking that this is something I had been longing for at a very deep level since childhood but couldn’t articulate. And now I am free to acknowledge that I need care – and that I have a responsibility to take care of my needs. But not just my needs – my desires, my dreams, the things I value – I have a responsibility of care for those things too. And it is not onerous, it’s a joy, a priviledge to take delight in my own dreams and goals, just as I would the dreams, goals and values of someone else I care about.
Taking time for me reminds me that I too am of value and need to be loved and cherished. And I can love and cherish the little girl I carry inside in a way that perhaps she wasn’t. I can do those things for her that my family and friends were unable to do – I can listen and give her time and attention and care. I can value and honour the little girl I carry inside. I can acknowledge her, and treasure her, and love her.
And I can remember that I am she – and I too deserve the respect, and love and care, the kindness and value and acknowledgement that I offer to others.

In need of rest

So utterly tired

Worn out, worn down

Worried and fatigued.

Longing for relaxation, to lie beside still waters

Yearning to take off this bag that I carry which holds the stuff of life

And put it down for a time

To breathe

To rest a while

Hoping rest will replace weariness,

calm replace concern,

peace replace turbulence;

That sleep will indeed knit the unraveled sleeve of all my care(s)

And I might know true rest.

My prayer that I might wake, my soul repaired

Renewed desire to reach out and touch the fabric of the day –

a gentle touch that greets the day

with gratitude and grace

rejuvenation of joy and strength

in peace, a soul refreshed

IMG_1352

When I’m depressed…

 

Time is so obtuse

Isolation is my ally, it understands me

Regret is like flogging a dead horse

Shame drains me of all colour

Sorrow is my benefactor

Depression my ever present shadow

 

While hope is like the sunrise

Doubt like clouds

Insecurity like standing in the rain

Despair like a torrent

Desolation a hurricane

 

While hope is like the sunshine

It warms, dries, lights the way

It encourages growth

 

A friend is an umbrella in the rain

Companionship a raincoat

Laughter a holiday from cold and damp (even if only for a moment)

The possibility of another place and time

 

And hope is like the sunshine

Take a photograph so as not to forget.

 

HOLD  ON  TO  HOPE

Life will only change...