Thought for the day: 10 December 2018

Every morning brings... 2

I’m holding on to this today. The last few days have been challenging but I’m learning about pushing through regardless of how I feel.

And today is a new day. Yesterday has been and will not come again. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow will be. Today is all I really have. And it will come with opportunities and challenges that I may not be able to control. But I CAN control my attitude. And I choose to step forward in faith, with hope and joy. And my aim is to choose kindness, to be gracious and compassionate.

And if I get to the end of today and I have not been as kind or gracious, as caring and compassionate as I had hoped, I will accept that I am flawed and not perfect; I am human, and I will treat myself with self-compassion and acceptance, and know that I did what I could with what I had at the time. And that’s all I can ask of myself.

And right now I loo to today and anticipate the new beginning with a renewed sense of hope. A new beginning, a new blessing, new hope.

Thought for the day: 31 December 2017

I’ve been having a bit of a tidy – going through all my clothes and removing those that no longer create a spark of joy, and either throwing them away or putting in a bag for a local charity shop. It seems an appropriate time of year to be looking at what I own and weighing up – has this achieved it’s purpose? does it still create a spark of joy? Having almost finished going through my clothing, I’m planning to go through my make up and skincare, my books, CD’s and DVD’s. It seems like a good time to re-evaluate what I’m holding onto and why.

My aim for 2017 was embrace self love and self care – and I feel good about my achievements on that front. I think I have a greater sense of self acceptance and have learnt/am learning about forgiving myself and letting go of stuff I can’t change.

So I close-my-eyes-

This quote describes my current space: an acknowledgement and acceptance of what I’m leaving behind in 2017; gratitude for the learnings along the way, gratitude for life’s gifts and an awareness of all I have to be thankful for. Along with anticipation for what 2018 has in store (regardless of the outcome); possibilities, opportunities; I have a sense of taking positive steps forward to proactively greet what’s waiting ahead.

Goodbye 2017. Thanks for what I’ve learnt.

Hello 2018 – bring it on!

Thought for the day: 30 December 2017

Happy almost-the-end-of-2017!
Just prior to Christmas I shared about how I was struggling. I was feeling a little depressed – not really scary bad, just a bit down: weepy, fragile, vulnerable. We went to visit my husband’s family for several days and just before, and since, I’ve been working on a collage. It’s not exactly what I’m after, and the photo doesn’t represent it well, but this is what I’ve been working on.

img a3 (2)

I love the theme of gratitude and always being grateful, and I also like that I got to experiment with some techniques I haven’t used before (-attempting to make what is new look old and faded, and trying to make the paint look ‘distressed’)

My thought for today is a hope, a desire and an aim: to be always grateful.

Thought for the day: 26 December 2017

We are captives of our own identities 2

I wonder how often this is true of me. How often do I live in a prison of my own creation. If that was true of last week, then today I have been set free! I confronted some expectations and found that they were simply that – my expectatons, rather than reality. And the reality I found was better than I had expected. My hidden hopes were exceeded.

For this, and many other blessings, I am truly grateful.

Thought for the day: 23 December 2017

There-are-hidden-blessings

This describes where I’m at today. I’m struggling just to keep it together. I’m struggling period – to be honest. I struggle with this time of year – with my own thoughts and feelings and expectations and disappointments. I struggle with guilt – there are so many things one can feel guilty for – and I do.

I feel vulnerable, fragile, weepy, confused, guilty, ashamed, sad, and the list goes on.

But I know that in every situation, there are things to be grateful for.
And I am.
My husband is a blessing, a friend, a rock. My dog is a constant companion. I have time to paint if I choose to; I have time to read or sleep or walk…

I choose courage. I choose to fight to keep going. I’m choosing to fight to stay on top. I’m choosing to feel the feelings, to let myself cry or not cry, to just take time to be. I’m choosing to approach this with honesty – these are my issues, this is my stuff. And while it is what it is – I can choose to accept the feelings that come along or I can determine to fight, to see this through, to be honest and authentic and real about where I’m at and how I’m feeling.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

Thought for the day: 10 November 2017

Make-it-a-great-day-3

I love the challenge in this – that sense of being positive and taking control and being responsible for how my day goes.

I may not always be good at carrying that thought with me throughout the day and continuing to put it into practice but having this reminder, and the associated awareness that creates, has got to be a good place to start.

My life. My attitude. My choices.

Thought for the day: 8 November 2017

Be-vulnerable--be-co

Hi there. I think this quote says something about where I’m at at the moment. I want to courageous. I want to be positive. I’m good with being vulnerable. And I want to be comfortable with what is currently uncomfortable. I feel like I have a handle on ‘courageous’ and ‘vulnerable’ but finding comfort in the uncomfortable is more a of a challenge.

I have some thoughts about what is uncomfortable for me – and my aim is to get a bit ‘uncomfortable’ over the next few months. My hope is that the more often I’m uncomfortable, the more uncomfortable will become comfortable (- if that makes sense). I’m still processing exactly how that’s going to happen but have some positive ideas I’d like to try – and I’ll let you know how it goes. Suffice to say: I have something of a plan, and some ideas, and I’m aiming to try them out over the next few months. Here goes….

I care

These past couple of weeks I’ve been working through some stuff. I discovered that a friend had died last year; then I discovered that he’d committed suicide; then my husband’s brother’s best friend died last weekend (had a heart condition and didn’t wake up); was talking to a friend at work and she was telling me about 2 friends of hers, brothers of 17 and 19 that were in hospital after a car accident (they’d hit a tree) so I thought speed was involved and wondered if alcohol and/or drugs had also had an impact – well speed was certainly a factor it turned out. She told me this on Tuesday morning – both brothers in critical condition with the elder brother (the driver) not expected to live. That night he died – she came to work the next day and was a mess. She’s only 19 herself and I guess this is the first friend of her age who’s died. She went home and cried for several days. On Thursday evening I caught up with an old friend, we’d been drinking buddies from way back, and he shared with me about how tough this year has been for him. He lives on his own in a neighbourhood where I also lived alone (before I met my husband) and we are pretty honest with each other. He was telling me about how depressed he’s been this year, about a boss who bullied him, about drinking most nights, not looking after himself, not taking his drugs, not doing any housework…

And I’ve been thinking  – Graham died and I didn’t know. Phil is depressed and I DO know. I could help – or at least provide a helping hand. And if that means he has less reason or inclination to commit suicide, then it’s worth the effort.

For the past 4 – 5 months my house has not been really clean. I started the gardening business and was too tired to clean after I’d gardened (or – I didn’t care enough to do housework when I got home after gardening) – so my husband did the washing and tidied the kitchen most days. I haven’t done much in the way of housework for months.

Mid June my doctor said said he thought I might have had a TIA (mini-stroke) and initiated some tests at our local hospital and advised me I wasn’t to drive for the next 30 days. Thus postponing may gardening (that I drove to) and imposing a 4 week rest period. All in all not a bad thing as I had already decided I had been working too hard. I took a break from gardening – which was good for my body. Being a girl who likes to achieve things, I started making cot quilts instead (which I do during the winter sometimes) and managed to make about 6 cot quilts that I am planning to give away to needy families (through Women’s Refuge or church groups or similar – as long as they are not sold, and end up with families in need).

Now here I am, feeling like I really should return to gardening – and thinking about the deaths of people I know, thinking about suicide and my own encounters in the past – and not wanting anyone I know to have to experience the same despair and horrible  desperation that I’ve felt in the past…

This morning I started cleaning my home – just a few rooms – the bathroom, toilet and my bedroom – a mini-spring clean. It was a start. It was an effort that I hadn’t made for a long time but it was enough. A step in the right direction.

And I’ve been thinking about my friend Phil’s house – about offering to help him make things clean and tidy again. I know what it’s like to live on your own, to feel depressed, to feel like you don’t really matter in many people’s lives, to use alcohol as a way of numbing the pain… and I want to help him because it’s a little something that I can do for someone that’s not me. It’s a way to provide support and encouragement to someone else, a way of giving to another, of supporting another, of being their for someone else.

And (as I stated earlier) if this means Phil has less inclination to end his life, or has more motivation to … do anything (cook, clean, garden – anything) then maybe that’s worth it.

I want to believe I had an opportunity and I took it – for all the right reasons – regardless of the outcome. I tried. I cared. I did something….

Then maybe that’s enough.

I’m not responsible for Phil’s decisions, his choices, his outlook – but if I can be a friend in the best way I know how, then maybe that’s enough.

And if it’s not enough, then I will know that I tried.  I did something.  I tried to make his life just that little bit easier when he was depressed and not motivated because I’ve known that depression and lack of motivation.

I want to know that I tried. If nothing else, I tried. I tried to be the friend that he needed me to be; the friend that listened and didn’t judge; the friend that was there and tried to make life just a little easier. The friend that cared enough to do something… because if nothing else, she cared.

 

 

When I’m depressed…

 

Time is so obtuse

Isolation is my ally, it understands me

Regret is like flogging a dead horse

Shame drains me of all colour

Sorrow is my benefactor

Depression my ever present shadow

 

While hope is like the sunrise

Doubt like clouds

Insecurity like standing in the rain

Despair like a torrent

Desolation a hurricane

 

While hope is like the sunshine

It warms, dries, lights the way

It encourages growth

 

A friend is an umbrella in the rain

Companionship a raincoat

Laughter a holiday from cold and damp (even if only for a moment)

The possibility of another place and time

 

And hope is like the sunshine

Take a photograph so as not to forget.

 

HOLD  ON  TO  HOPE

Quick Personal Blog Update

Hello fellow bloggers!

Just wanted to give you a quick update as to what I’m up to and what’s happening in my life outside of blogging. You’ll see I haven’t written much these past few months but I still love finding cool quotes that gel with my philosophy; I still love talking photos and walking in the forests, gardens and local open spaces.

Work-wise, I’m still involved in the wee contract that was supposed to have ended prior to last Christmas – and the contract has been extended until this September. I’m really grateful for my job because 1) it pays the bills; 2) I’ve learnt some interesting stuff about myself; 3) I get to move around a lot and be quite active in my role so I get to exercise and I’m getting paid for it! (I usually do 12 – 15,000 steps per day, which I’m really pleased about!) 4) I get to choose my own hours so tend to start early and finish early -starting around 6am and finishing between 2-3pm; 5) My role is quite autonomous so both my real boss, and my on-site boss pretty much leave me alone to get on with the job and I am definitely not being micro-managed (as I have been in other roles in the past) – for this I am really grateful; 6) I’ve picked up several gardening contracts so will do basic gardening (weeding, tidying up the existing gardens, planting, pruning and trimming tress etc) for 5 or 6 different clients. Most are older people who are no longer able to garden so want someone to keep their garden tidy for them. Some don’t enjoy gardening at all while others love it but find themselves limited in what they’re able to do. One of my clients has had me tidy her gardens prior to renting out her house and then I’ll just do maintenance on a monthly basis. It has been a little thing (that began as just an idea) and has grown via word of mouth and taken off. It’s just a part time thing – sometimes afternoons after work or on weekends but it has been a great way to make a little extra money, keep myself busy and active, and I’ve had the opportunity to meet some lovely (sometimes a little lonely) folk who no longer have to feel guilty about their untidy gardens plus get a little more company than they had before. I’ve been surprised how often the client will come out for a chat, and sometimes end up gardening with me for a little while. The whole experience has been fun, creative, tiring, and I’ve met some really lovely people.

Long story short – I seem to not have a lot of free time on my hands at present. I still love finding quotes and taking photos and putting them together – but just find I don’t have much time to actually write very much. However I like the creativity of creating the quote/pictures, and enjoy looking back on what I’ve created, and re-reading the little nuggets of wisdom that so many people have provided along the way. So just wanted to explain what’s going on for me and why I’m not writing much, and give you an update.

And for the record, I’m still going on my year of practicing self-love. Sometimes this is easier than others and it’s a ongoing process but I’m pleased with how this year is progressing thus far and my attitudes & outlook in general.

I wish you all friendship, laughter, memories of good times, and the opportunities for more of all three. I also wish you kindness and peace.

Ruth 🙂