Thought for the day: 7 August 2017

Find joy

You may have realised from my recent poems that my friend Graham committed suicide recently – well actually February last year but I didn’t know until recently. And I didn’t even know he suffered from depression (as do I) and had I known I would have liked to think I might have reached out – but I thought he was ‘normal’ – one of those people who don’t suffer from depression – can you sense my shame, my lack of confidence, my lack of joyousness, my lack of ‘hey, let’s sit and chat’ ness?

I’ve been a little bullied over the past few years and I am not the person I was in 2010/2011 – when I had more belief in myself than I do today; when I believed what I thought was true – before I realised that I wasn’t the girl I used to be; before I realised that people could ignore me and actually that mattered to me…

I have learnt that life is not what it seemed it was and I am not who I thought I was – and that it’s ok to be happy with today, to be grateful for today’s blessings, to be excited by little things, little joys, little accomplishments. Expectations are adjusted accordingly and little triumphs can be wonderful.

I have learnt the art of gratitude. And that is such a gift.

And I have learnt to find pleasure in small and simple things, to find joy in the ordinary, to be grateful for whatever today brings. Every day is a gift. I was arrogant before I knew this. But I have learnt my truths for myself. It is what it is – and I am grateful for what is.

Life has had it’s ups and downs – but through it all God has been there – holding out His hand and watching and hoping, and cheering for me and wanting the best for me – even when I wasn’t capable of wanting this for myself, let alone acknowledging what He offered.

And I am grateful. I am grateful for the learnings.

And I have learnt the art of gratitude.

Ans there is something wonderful in finding joy in the ordinary – taking pleasure in the mundane, the basic, the banal – and finding joy in these things … can be really precious.

For all of this I am grateful.

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7 thoughts on “Thought for the day: 7 August 2017

  1. I understand the double and triple guilt: first you didn’t know he was ill, then you didn’t know he had died and you had been living your life as normal not knowing he was no longer in it. A similar thing happened to me many years ago. I was pregnant with my daughter and living my life with my husband and young son. I received a letter from a mutual friend and I read it as I did the vacuuming. It stopped me dead in my tracks when she mentioned in passing our friend’s funeral 6 months previously. I was devastated. No-one had thought to tell me firstly how ill he was (I had known he had MS but not how much he had deteriorated) and secondly that he had died. I am so sorry you are going through this distress. When someone takes their own life, those left behind instinctively ask themselves what if? Could I have said something, done something to change the outcome? The truth is that when someone is that ill and that determined, probably nothing but being institionalised would have changed the outcome. They are not thinking rationally, they cannot think about anyone else, only the pain they are in. You are not responsible for his decision nor the outcome, but naturally you are very sad and wish you could have said the things you no longer can say. Is there anything you can do in his name?
    My thoughts are with you both and I send you a virtual hug 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. You just put into words what I could not. All I would add is that I’ve known depression and suicidal ideation myself – so there’s a strong sense of empathy.
      I really appreciate your comments, care & virtual hug. Thanks 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry about your friend, Graham. Some people are good at hiding their pain which can take a toll. I’m glad for your writing, your gratitude and for your awareness that God has been there cheering you on – always was and always will be. Peace and hugs coming your way!

    Liked by 1 person

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