I think it’s time for an introspection update – it probably won’t be pretty but needs to be an honest look inside.
I sent a text to someone this morning to ask how he was doing, and as I did I realised my own issues are just beneath the surface and I try not to focus on them. But maybe it’s more healthy and certainly more honest just to come out and say:
- I have times when my self esteem is really low …. and I don’t really know why.
- I feel like I’m a bit of a hermit these days (see Abandoned Mine) – and I don’t know if that’s a lie I’m telling myself or if it’s how I really am.
- I feel quite disconnected from my family and some of my friends; some days I wonder if they even like me.
- When I wrote Abandoned Mine I didn’t want to explore what the dangers were that lay beneath the surface; or why my life used to feel like a hive of activity but now feels like an abandoned mine; what is it I’m shutting myself off from?
- I’m currently feeling a little bit lost and I’m not sure why. I could blame the turbulence of this past week (a massive earthquake, multitude aftershocks, not being able to go to work in the building I usually work in because of water damage due to burst pipes, heavy rain and flooding, constantly feeling tired etc) but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse.
- I want to go back to bed and lie there and weep. Given it’s a quiet Saturday morning I could do just that.
- I feel disappointed in myself for my lack of activity this past few weeks – I don’t want to do things. I don’t want to exercise. I want to live in a lovely clean and tidy environment but don’t have the motivation to do much in the way of housework. But then, does it really matter?
- Maybe I just feel a bit sad and a little bit lost.
- I do feel a bit sad and a little bit lost.
And it feels like a relief to be honest. And I know I won’t always feel this way. And I could go and do other things to distract myself – but it feels good to face the truth.
At least I’m weeping honest tears.