Introspection: 19 Nov 2016

I think it’s time for an introspection update – it probably won’t be pretty but needs to be an honest look inside.

I sent a text to someone this morning to ask how he was doing, and as I did I realised my own issues are just beneath the surface and I try not to focus on them. But maybe it’s more healthy and certainly more honest just to come out and say:

  • I have times when my self esteem is really low …. and I don’t really know why.
  • I feel like I’m a bit of a hermit these days (see Abandoned Mine) – and I don’t know if that’s a lie I’m telling myself or if it’s how I really am.
  • I feel quite disconnected from my family and some of my friends; some days I wonder if they even like me.
  • When I wrote Abandoned Mine I didn’t want to explore what the dangers were that lay beneath the surface; or why my life used to feel like a hive of activity but now feels like an abandoned mine; what is it I’m shutting myself off from?
  • I’m currently feeling a little bit lost and I’m not sure why. I could blame the turbulence of this past week (a massive earthquake, multitude aftershocks, not being able to go to work in the building I usually work in because of water damage due to burst pipes, heavy rain and flooding, constantly feeling tired etc) but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse.
  • I want to go back to bed and lie there and weep. Given it’s a quiet Saturday morning I could do just that.
  • I feel disappointed in myself for my lack of activity this past few weeks – I don’t want to do things. I don’t want to exercise. I want to live in a lovely clean and tidy environment but don’t have the motivation to do much in the way of housework. But then, does it really matter?
  • Maybe I just feel a bit sad and a little bit lost.
  • I do feel a bit sad and a little bit lost.

And it feels like a relief to be honest. And I know I won’t always feel this way. And I could go and do other things to distract myself – but it feels good to face the truth.

At least I’m weeping honest tears.

 

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10 thoughts on “Introspection: 19 Nov 2016

  1. Dear wisewoodpidgeon,

    I know you’re probably not going to expect a reader of this piece to say what I’m about to say, but I’m going to say it anyway 😊

    This was a beautiful read. I know, you’re thinking, “what?!”, but there are few brave enough to acknowledge their feelings like you’ve here. I’ve gone through my ups and downs in the past few years too. A lot them have involved interactions with those around me, and my close friends and family. This has enabled me to pick up on so much.

    Different people cope with negative feelings in different ways. It is increasingly common for people to hide sadness beneath anger, or hyperactivity.

    One of my close friends, (who I don’t talk to much anymore because I can’t take in her intensity) is the sort to do many many adventurous, spontaneous things. she’s the sort who needs the adrenaline to function, and she’s the sort to cover sadness with anger.

    I care about her, and to me, at times its is so blatantly apparent that she’s hurt by something, but she refuses to acknowledge it, and just goes out bungee jumping, sky diving, parasailing, and so on. She will have emotional outbursts and not know why.

    Initially I would bring her attention to the real source of the problem but that would upset her. So I stopped doing this. I’ve realized she’s gone through so much in life, and she said this herself, that if she starts exploring her covered baggage, she’ll go insane.

    God knows best. No one is perfect, we all have our coping mechanisms, we all feel really down every now and then, and lately I’ve been feeling very low too.

    I feel you must be honest and real with yourself, because if you don’t, you’ll feel out of place, since deep down you know what the truth is.

    Please hang in there, turn to God, pray, be honest with yourself, journal, and realize that God has a plan for you, and it will unfold into a beautiful life for you, just wait and try and be patient. God is the most merciful, he loves you immensely. Your heart is never broken, except that you’re blessed with something better than what was taken from you.

    Hope you feel better soon. Thank you for such a beautifully honest post. It’s very refreshing to read.

    With lots of prayers,

    MM

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. It does feel good to be honest and I know I won’t continue to feel this way. It’s just a passing thing but I wanted to be honest about it and face it instead of being ‘nice’ and using avoidance instead.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s alright to feel down. You ll get through this. I don’t know if you’re a guy or girl, or what religion you are, but I share with you what works for me, and that is to call upon God at difficult times, it doesn’t make the sadness completely go away, it’s not magical, but it definitely lifts the burden off your chest. You’ll get through this my dear, it’s just a matter of time. You’re not alone. Half the people you walked past today, who looked composed, and happy. Half of them are going through similar trials and struggles. The sad thing is each of us goes through similar things and still feels completely alone because we feel weak confessing our sadness.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hi there, I just wanted to come back to you and say thanks you for your kindness and friendship the other day. It was good to at least be honest about the emotional angst and to give it an opportunity to dissipate and relieve the pressure. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you. I have been doing a bit of walking the past few days and have just loved being out in nature. I’ve been talking to God too – and am aware that I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. Thanks again 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I woke up and read this and it made my day! You’re very welcome! Least we can do is support each other, and that’s why I love the WordPress community. It is such a blessing.

            We do have so much to be grateful for, and I learn that on a daily basis. I work with college students with learning disabilities. One of them hasn’t been able to focus on her studies because her mom was hospitalized, diagnosed with a terminal disease.

            The other one, a straight A student, his mom is bipolar and going through a depression episode. He wasn’t in class today, since he’s battling with not just his own issues but his mom’s as well.

            We all go through our ups and downs, and in the midst of them, it feels like the darkest, loneliest of places. It’s easy to bombard someone with “you should be grateful, you’re so lucky and blessed, what are you complaining for?” attitude. And to be honest that hurts, because we need an empathetic heart, and a bit of kindness. And you know the person we tend to be least kind to? It is ourselves. We need to give ourselves a break.

            Gosh, I go into teaching mode really fast 😛. Apologies.

            Thank YOU for making my day. May God bless you immensely, ease whatever difficulties you’re going through, allow you to uncover and follow your passions, and bless you with immense happiness and contentment, ameen.

            I love being out in nature too, but today was our first day of snow and it’s too chilly out there.

            Keep your connection with God strong and you’ll get through it. Baby steps.

            Take care,

            MM 😊

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Nice post, I think you will feel better after a good cry. New Zealand has been shattered by the earthquake, we didn’t need something so bad to happen.
    On the brighter side, summer is just around the corner, the warmer weather has been slow in coming, as I heard someone say the other day ” Spring has been missed out this year” it feels like winter all the time.
    Start thinking of Christmas, hopefully, that will lift your spirits.
    Smile, happy days.

    Liked by 1 person

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