Letter to Thomas

Hey you, how’s things? Long time, no see – we tend to do that eh? It’s always a long time between getting together, but when we do get together it’s so cool – I feel such a connection with you. At least, that’s how I feel, can only hope you feel that way too, and if you don’t then that’s ok too.

I just wanted to tell you I’ve been thinking about you and I wanted to reach out and say hi, and I care about you. I wonder if we both have the same issues with ‘family’ – a reluctance to make contact them ‘them’, sometimes wondering if I’ve let them down, sometimes a feeling of guilt or shame; sometimes love that’s hard to express. Sometimes I get scared that they will reject me or disapprove of some of my choices or just be disappointed with me. And when I’m not feeling strong (and sometimes even when I am) all the fears coming rushing in and so I choose not to make contact with the family.

And for some family members – there are questions that seem to need to be asked. Deep issues that must be addressed in that moment, when actually maybe I’d rather just chat and have a cup of coffee and talk about easy stuff. Sometimes it feels like we always have to talk about important stuff, about deep issues, beliefs and feelings that are not a normal part of coffee conversation. That’s another reason I don’t make contact sometimes – I don’t want to be asked hard questions or really personal questions. I don’t want intrusion, I just want to be loved for who I am. I’d even settle for just being liked.

Anyway, I figure you probably hear me on this and understand where I’m coming from. In fact maybe it’s one of the biggest reasons you’re reluctant to make contact with them too. If so, I really understand. Sometimes it feels like it’s just too hard.

I feel as if you and I have so much in common, common experiences that haven’t been shared by the majority of our family. Not that we shared them together – just that we’ve had some similar stuff happen, and maybe made some similar choices at times.

Where ever you are right now, what ever your situation, how ever you are feeling – please know that I care. That I love you. That I may not be good at staying in contact but I still love and appreciate you.  Every now and then I ring you and leave a message on your cellphone. I know that chances are, you’ll never hear my message coz you never have any credit on your phone… but I leave the odd message because it’s a little way that I can feel like I tried to reach out to you and let you know that I care. And you wouldn’t believe how many times I think of leaving messages on your phone compared to the number of times I actually do.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. And I care about you.

I’ve been thinking about ‘connection’ and how some of my connections with certain people are, for me, what makes life worth living.  You, and our connection is one of those things. Because I’ve just become really aware of this, and how important “connectedness” is to me, I wanted to tell you.

I can see that I’m probably doing ‘deep and meaningful’ when that’s what you and I sometimes run away from. But I wanted to be honest and open, and to tell you in your own time – and there’s no pressure to respond. I’m not asking questions and you don’t need to find any answers. I just needed (for my own sense of well being) to let you know that you matter to me.

I love you buddy,

Aunty

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