I have to start somewhere – it might as well be here!

You know how sometimes people who are quite tall are referred to as “Shorty”, or a dog with stripes is named “Spot” – well that’s why I’ve called myself Wise Woodpidgeon – because I often seem not to be, wise, that is. That’s not to say I’m never wise – but mostly people who may think that I am, will, after a period of time, come to realise that I’m not. So people only tell me I’m wise when they are getting to know me – which I guess is fair enough.  To know me is to love me? Probably not – but let’s say I have friends. Perhaps not as many as you, but a variety none the less. Am I a good friend? Dunno. Probably not – I have issues with staying in contact with my friends. Life is really busy and there are such a variety of wonderful people out there (and they are just the ones I know) that I feel stunted into doing nothing most of the time. Like getting over the inertia of actually doing something, making contact with someone is just too hard. Maybe that’s depression for you – it’s too hard to do something so I’ll sit here and do nothing. A bit like Eeyore really. Well, can’t say that now can I? I’ve started a blog. Not to keep in contact with the friends I already have – but to make more (maybe)… (possibly)… or not. But I DO have this little online secret that’s like journalling on a new level. Here’s hoping it makes you smile. It makes me smile to begin writing – so there, we’re over the inertia already!

I know I have friends, whom I often don’t see for periods of time. But’s let’s face it, I have family I don’t see for sometimes long periods of time… so let’s just be clear. What I’m trying to get to in a roundabout way, and not very concisely I might add, is that actually I’d like to think that my friends will remember me not just for the dumb things I’ve said. Those unwise words. The stupid comments that you think about later and go “Huh?” Like where did that come from? Oh yeah, might as well be straight up about that too – I can be really random. It’s not specifically a choice, more like that’s how my mind is arranged, or possibly not arranged, or unraveled or something. My mind is a bit like a cloud – it feels thin in patches, fluffy, not managed, unmanageable (you try managing a cloud), like scrambled eggs but with less substance!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was writing about what I’ll be remembered for. Hopefully some of it will be funny things – I remember having laughed a lot over the years – finding it hard to remember what we laughed at (other then me). This is not meant to sound somber – I don’t feel somber, just thoughtful. I hope I’ll be remembered for some good things and in relation to some good times. I hope so.

I seem to not have much of a memory these days – I know there have been times in my life when my brain has worked a lot better than it does currently, and I’m ok with that. Mostly. So I’m trying to do the right thing by my brain and my body. I have cut down on my caffeine consumption and stopped my alcohol consumption for a time. I’m trying to eat well. (My clothes are telling me this is going ok so far.) I’m taking vitamins and minerals, trying to eat salmon regularly (you know, amino acids etc) and small but regular handfulls of almonds, and hummus and even some green tea (-can’t say I’m not trying). So I’m hoping that this putting healthy stuff into my body will have a positive impact on my brain. That and sodoku!

Ok, the truth is, I have been aware of menopausal symptoms. I don’t want to say ‘suffering from’ coz that automatically brings in some kind of victim thing and some days the word victim feels like a warm cloak against the harsh realities of life. However, most days, especially today – when I am aware of the external  changes happening in my garden as the season slips from winter into a cool but crisp spring, I don’t want to see myself as a victim. I want to see what I can do about NOT being a victim. Hence the changes in diet, caffeine and alcohol.

So menopause is the reason for change – that makes no sense – The Change being the reason for a change… the cloud that is my brain is finding that thought too hard. I feel a bit like Winnie the Pooh who when confused, would turn to food and the comfort of enjoying a ‘little something’ to distract him. Yes, I often see myself in Winnie the Pooh, but the point is, I’m trying to NOT turn to food or a glass of wine, or port, or gin… or anything food or beverage-related to seek relief from whatever it is that I seek relief from. I didn’t really know until just now, that I was trying to seek relief from anything – except sometimes I use food or alcohol to dull the whatever it is so that life is easier. There, I’ve said it. I have in the past, used food and/or alcohol as a bandage to cover the whatever-it-is that needed a bandage. And right now I don’t want to keep doing that.

I’ve been reading about sobriety. And menopause. I know what you’re thinking – it’s all just one big party at my house these days! But seriously, maybe it’s time to address some of the issues that have dogged me for too long. And maybe this blog is a start to doing just that. Looking at the issues; having to face them without the use of my usual bandages to make them better. Maybe that’s what this is really about. Not my fluffy cloud-like brain, not the wine I have enjoyed often for a long time, not food, maybe it’s actually about the issues. So if you don’t want to hear anymore – and I totally understand your not wanting to – then maybe don’t keep reading coz it might get messy. In fact I have no way of knowing how messy, untidy, unraveled things are going to get but I think it’s only fair to let you know it might get that way. Coz that’s what being real is all about. Like a wild garden – disorganised, unpredictable… maybe unraveled [I seem to keep coming back to that word] but maybe I will uncover some delicate plants not often seen in these parts, find hidden gems, or even not gems, just little sparkly things which bring a smile to one’s face. A forgotten treasure perhaps. So feel free to come and explore with me. Or not.

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